Friday, 17 June 2011

Moms! Jumuah Delights! Parent Taming

Invite all to the way of your Lord and with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are the best and most gracious: for your Lord knows best, we have from his path and who received the guidance ~ (Q16:25)

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love. ~Mildred B.

The Prophet SAW also says, “The best of you will never use force as a means of taribiyyah (nuturing)”.

When kids finally push us over the edge with the same behaviour we have been tolerating for days on end. Out of frustration, we begin to shout, yell and even label the kids with names, such, as “you are a very bad kid”, “you are lazy”. Some parents go as far as labelling the child, with words like, you are a disgrace, liar and very bad. This will only teach the child to continue in this manner if this is the only way he/she can get your attention. Therefore, discipline does not just mean using force; it means using certain disciplinary measures, e.g., no visits to the park, or visiting friends, or riding bikes.

Children should feel that even though they have to suffer the consequences of their actions, we must act with gentleness and mercy. A kid would know without being told, that Mommy loves them and is their friend. Discipline should never be viewed by kids as an act of revenge or hatred.

We know that discipline and self-restraint are main characteristics of the Muslim. We learn this through fasting and refraining from things Allah has told us to stay away from, eating pork for instance. Set clear and positive messages, make sure your boundaries and corresponding consequences are very clear. Identify what you want your child to do instead of what you do not what them to do, the Prophet SAW, never said a harsh word to Ibn Abbas throughout the time he spent with him. Therefore, the prophet taught and practiced positive parenting.

For example, the consequence of not coming to the dinner table when food is served, will be to eat it has it is!

When you are writing up boundaries, be clear, specific and remain positive
a. Don’t write –
i. I want to stop Jasmine from waking late for Fajr
ii. I want to stop my mom from giving Faris too many sweets
iii. I want Kulthum to memorise a portion of the Quran daily

b. Write
i. I want to help Jasmine wake up for the Fajr prayer
ii. I want Faris to start eating more fruit and vegetables
iii. I will arrange for Kulthum to stay awake after Fajr and memorise the Quran for 30 minutes

Keeping to your boundaries is where the challenge lies, it is important to stand your ground, when you catch them doing something good – praise them. Always be consistent! In addition, stick to your promise; otherwise, you will not be trusted! Learn to negotiate, children are the best negotiators I have come across – so be sensible! As you are leading by example, you will be teaching your little gems these skills too! Boundaries show that you care about your child and what they are doing, it also helps them know where they stand and helps to feel secure and valued. Great skills for their future development.

With routines – children are learning to be self-independent and consist. We need to teach them to learn to wait, help and be patient. Hence, we will be developing solid tolerance levels for patience in our kids.

Parenting is all about parents, we have to learn to refrain and control our anger. Remember kids will emulate what they see and not what they have been told.

Our call to action today, before we can start with the kids – we need to sort ourselves out first!

Identify a “parent tantrum” you throw when you are very upset. For example, you pay negative attention to children, which usually involves “telling off” “or yelling”.
Start identifying positive ways to change this “parent tantrum” , commit to acting our age. You will not be able to change their behaviour by yelling and shouting.

If you keep calm and collected, you will start to notice a change in your kid’s behaviour. It is usually a long process, but if you are consistent and disciplined – you will start seeing results sooner.

Let us know how you get on, by visiting our fan book page. Please SHARE article and LIKE our fan page.

A very useful resource on discipline is Effective discipline for Muslim Parents by Grandma Jeddah at

Khafayah Abdulsalam

Mommy Coach

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Friday, 10 June 2011

UMMUKA's Jumuah Delights! Raising Productive Kids!

"I served the Prophet (Sallalhu 'alayhi wasallam) for ten
Years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word
Denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did
You do so or why didn't you do so?"

Moms! How many of us can put hand to heart and say we have never blamed our kids or shouted at them? Hmmm! – a tough challenge, everything is possible, if we keep at it working hard and calling on Allah SWT for guidance. Narrated by Anas (when mentioning his childhood)

Moms! Children are an amanah (trust) given to us by Allah and it is Fard (obligatory) upon us to raise our children in a righteous manner, raising them according to the principles and etiquettes of Islam.

Moms it’s very important to take some time out to ponder and reflect on the part you are playing or have played in your children’s’ journey of life. Do your children know their relationship with their creator? Remember! The angels, and when your children are presented with their book on that day will record all that them in life do. The day of accountability – the contents will be based on your work! Therefore, I ask what you are doing to ensure that your children’s book will reflect the correct Islamic cultivation and upbringing.

What advice will you be giving to your children on your deathbed? How confident will you be when reporting back to Allah – that you will be able to say, ”Allah I raised my children with Ihsan(excellence) to the best of my ability in accordance and obedience of YOUR laws”. – What a wonderful feeling this will be? Knowing that the journey begins and ends with Allah. How do we perform this most important role on earth?

Our children have rights over us as we do them; it is the parents’ obligation to shelter, feed, clothe, educate, support, nurture, and love them. It was narrated from “ Abd –Allah that the Prophet of Allah said: “Each of you is a Sheppard and is responsible for his flock” – The mom is the Sheppard of the home and children and is responsible for them.

Also, Luqman(AS) – advising his son said “o my son! Join not in worship others with Allah. Verily, joining others in worship with Allah is a great Zulum (wrong) indeed (Q31:13). I suppose the point I am making here is that how many us talk to our children in this manner, by embedding the Tawhid (oneness of Allah) in their hearts from a tender age.

In order to cultivate our children islamically and give them the correct tarribiyyah (Islamic nurturing), it is crucial as moms to understand the current environment, society and cultures that envelope our little gems. When we have a full understanding of how the society we live in operates and control our children, only then can we begin to adapt techniques to create confident remarkable kids.
Anas RA lived with the prophet SAW and not once did the Prophet SAW scold him or tell him off! – reflect on this for a moment. This clearly demonstrates that the Prophet Saw practised positive parenting and did not focus on negative behaviour. This resulted in a well-grounded confident individual, who has grown up on values – respect, self-esteem, discipline and morals.
Behind every successful person is a great woman and we doing not need to search far for evidence.

Our great mother Khadijah RA, gave the prophet full support and was instrumental to his success, she was a wife, friend, comforter, a woman of substance, –she encompassed everything a man could need in a woman. Our great Imams Bukhari and Malik were strongly encouraged by their mothers, and as a result became great men leaving behind an ever-lasting legacy.

Anas did not end up with the Prophet SAW by accident, his mother offered him in servitude to the Prophet SAW know the greater benefits in this world and the hereafter – knowing this what type of mother are you and are going to be for our children?, knowing yourself worth and accepting this role and responsibility Allah has given you. How will you perform this role with Ihsan (excellence) without losing sight of your final destination – Jannah!
How do we bring about and develop Islamic personality in our children? As moms, we need to realise that this role starts from the moment the child is conceived – I see this as the beginning of the bonding period. You are preparing yourself for the great arrival!

The bonding between mother and baby begins during pregnancy a relationship that is retained and maintained and nurtured after birth until the rest of the child’s life.
The first stage is to provide the child with the basic human needs – food, love, warm, a sense of security and belonging; shelter and full attention. All of this is crucial for the development of the child in the latter stages of their life. The child who feels loved, nurtured and respected – becomes more receptive to others and will be able to reciprocate in the same manner. As they flourish and grow, they will learn new skills such as – responsibility, patience, and self-control, respect, communicating and sharing. There is one thing that never changes from infancy to childhood – the need for affection and love. How do we embed these qualities in our children? The starting point will be to nurture a positive relationship with them, through communication and building rapport with them. We have to realise that communication and active listening are fundamental to the development of our relationship with our children, - a channel that has to be open for life.
Allah has appointed you as a Sheppard over your flock… you are your child’s role model and umbilical cord to Allah.

They will more than likely mirror the values, beliefs and standards of those who surround them, what kind of a life are you leading? What type of family environment are you creating – is it one based on the principles of Islam morals and etiquettes’? If not, I am afraid you will be heading down the wrong road. It’s never too late to get back onto the straight path; today start being that Mom you want like to your children to see – I like my children to see a strong firm well balanced woman that upholds and obeys the laws of Allah SWT, and emulating and acting upon the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW – constantly striving for Jannah.

I ask are you a visionary parent?
If you are what vision, do you have for yourself and your children? Let us take Action NOW!


what would you like your children to see on you?

What would you like to contribute to their lives?

How would you like to influence their lives?

Our primary goal and basic purpose is to develop the consciousness, love, fear and hope of Allah in our children (Taqwa).

As my children were growing up, I tried to figure out ways of creating the fear of Allah in them. One thing that worked well , was sharing a name of Allah and its attributes- this worked wonders for me. I choose the Ar ROQIB (the watchful) – if children can understand that the Ar Roqib sees them, hears them and is watchful of all they do, this will be a fantastic achievement. Now that they are grown up and have a better understanding of issues and Allah’s laws – they have come to a realisation that it is best to tell the truth, be kind and loving to others and always striving to the do right things because Allah is watching.

Also in Surah Fajr Allah tells us “For your Lord is watchful” (Q89:14). May Allah bless and reward all moms with the highest station in Jannah! –Ameen.

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Khafayah Abdulsalam