Sunday, 21 August 2011

The last days....

Aisha (RA) said: I asked the Messenger of Allah: 'O Messenger of Allah, if I know what night is the night of Qadr, what should I say during it?

' He said: 'Say: "Allahumma innaka 'afuwwun tuhibbul 'afwa fa'fu 'annee"

O Allah, You are pardoning and You love to pardon, so pardon me.' "(Ahmad, Ibn Majah, and Tirmidhi).

And your Lord has said: “Call upon Me, I will answer you. Verily, those who scorn My worship they will surely enter Hell in humiliation.” [Qur’an 40:60]

"Is not He (best) who listens to the (soul) distressed when it calls on Him, and who relieves its suffering.” [Qur’an 27:62]

As Ramadan is preparing for its glorious exit, what better time could there be to make a Positive change in our lives. If the last three weeks have not gone to plan, and you feel your Eeman taking a dip, due to you working, performing house chores and looking after the family. There is still an opportunity to make the best of these last few days, and at the end of Ramadan still come out squeaky clean saying “Yes Ramadan changed me”! Now is the time to pick up our pace and aim to receive the special gift of “Laylatul Qadar”

Mothers what can you start doing in order to reap the maximum reward of the last ten nights? Remember the Prophet saw was commanded to wake is family and spend the nights in prayer. You need to devise a plan for the next few days.

Here are a few tips to get you on track to having an outstanding Ramadan:

Ramadan tips for Moms!

Ibaadah Break - Take time for an ibaadah break with Allah; let’s actively seek the pleasure of Allah for our family, friends and ourselves. Let’s scale down on our worldly activities and increase our worship to Allah. If you are working mom or stay at home mom, and you think you area yet to make the most of Ramadan – there is still time to make things happen and make this an outstanding Ramadan. If you can, take a few days leave/holiday to spend time in worshipping Allah and seeking Laylatul Qadr.

Cook less, fry less - We have now reached the final phase of Ramadan; try to plan your meals and sort out your groceries for next the ten days, freeing your time up for worship. We cook food and freeze it, and all we need to do is warm the meals at Iftar time. To replenish our energy levels, we should have a healthy diet and eat light meals, its much easier on the soul and you will find waking up for Tahajjud easy, inshAllah. So - “cook less, fry less – and step up your ibaadah!

Self Evaluation
"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves." [Qur’an 13:11]. Our theme this Ramadan has been “changes a habit, change your life”. I know its not easy to make sudden changes and we will slip back into our old ways, lets intensify our du’as over the next days asking Allah to get rid of all the old habits we do not want and give us the will power, zeal and energy to commit to the new habits we have adopted during the month of Ramadan – and may HE give us the ability to maintain and sustain these habits over the months to come –ameen.

Do an evaluation of where you are, Where you want be, and where you are going. What habits have you changed so far? Let this evaluation lead you to feel happiness for the good you have done and remorse for the things that you have not changed. This should make it easier for you to seek Allah's sincere forgiveness when making du’a to Allah,

Let the Change Begin, today, let it begin NOW!

Massive Du’a list – People would rarely mention that their number one goal in life is, "Pleasing Allah, Jannah Al-Firdaws - the highest level of
Jannah, and being with Rasul Allah, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam,
in the hereafter." But ... isn't that the correct answer? Let's
make this is a reality as to how we live our lives during and after Ramadan.

There is a great saying, “failing to plan is planning to fail” – get a journal, book, laptop or whatever floats your boat and start writing out your MASSIVE Du’a list, if you have not already done so. Write down everything and anything, and choose your top ten dua’s that you would like answered, or whatever is best for you. Consistently and repeatedly ask Allah for these things till the end of Ramadan – it will be guaranteed that your du’as would have landed on Laytaul Qadar – the night of power.

Recite, reflect and ponder over the Qur’an - If you can only manage a page from the Quran Alhamdulillah – just make sure you remain disciplined, consistent and focused. Allah loves deeds that are small and consistent. Do not overwhelm yourself Mom! Do your best with excellence and forget the rest. Engage and connect with the Quran -reciting, reflecting and pondering over its verses, this was the etiquette of the Sahabah.

Ramadan Resolutions – A few years ago some of my clients and myself chose Ramadan as the month for defining resolutions/goals for the year ahead. We found this a perfect opportunity to make du’a in the last ten days asking Allah profusely to grant us our goals and make them become a reality - and Allah has been kind to us all, Allah azza wa jal!

Ramadan tips for kids!
My kids are planning for an i’tikaf night in the Masjid, they are so excited . InshAllah, it will be such a memorable experience for them. What are you and your kids planning for the last days? Please share them with fellow moms on my face book page click here or email them to
 Okay a few tips to keep the kids excited and enthusiastic about the last few days:

Take them to Taraweeh - Nothing teaches community spirit like congregational prayer. Take the kids with you to the mosque for Taraweeh prayer on a Friday and Saturday nights when homework or tiredness will not be an issue. I am not a great advocate for taking small kids to the Masjid, I see them get agitated, people frustrated because they cannot focus on their ibaadah (worship) neither can mom do her prayers in peace. It might be a good idea to arrange a baby sitter, or better still get dad to stay at home whilst you pop off to the Masjid – as I always say do what works best for you. 

Charity giving – my kids have been giving some of their pocket money to charity, it gives them a sense of feeling that they are giving to the poor and needy at the same time learning to be selfless and showing empathy for others.

Tell Stories - about the revelation of the Qur’an and Laylatul Qadar – it’s important they understand the significance of this special night and the circumstances surrounding the revelation of the Qur’an. I have made it clear to my kids that we do not single out one night and call that the “night of power”. The Prophet SAW asked us to seek the night of power in the odd nights of the last ten days and we will be praying every single night inshAllah. The Prophet woke up his family to take advantage of the last nights, lets do this with our own families, revive and emulate the Sunnah of prophet Muhammad SAW.

One question you will probably get asked is – If the Qur’an was revealed to the Prophet SAW over a period of twenty three years, why do we say the whole Qur’an was revealed in the month of Ramadan? See if you can come up with the answer? I will give the answer my Shaykh gave me in a few days time 

If you were to learn anything in the next ten days with your kids let it be this dua: " Allahumma innaka 'afuwwun tuhibbul 'afwa fa'fu 'annee " "O Allah you are the pardoner and you love to pardon so pardon me." This what Allah's messenger (SAW) advised his most beloved Aisha (RA) with for the last ten nights. O Allah you are the pardoner and you love to pardon so pardon us.

What is it that you really want from Allah? If Allah were to say to you ask for anything you want? What would you ask for? Just Ask, Ask and Ask, whether it deals with this world or the hereafter. Allah loves to hear from us.

Have a productive last few days and may Allah accept all our dua’s yours and mine

Mommy Coach

Khafayah Abdulsalam

Monday, 1 August 2011

**UMMUKA's Ramadan mellow moments:) ** Change a habit, change your Life - part 1

Asalam Alaikum Mom!

Ramadan Kareem! UMMUKA would like to thank you for your continued support of this much needed service within the community.

This month we will be exploring “Habits”. We will be looking at how we can rid ourselves of negative/bad habits and replacing them with good ones.
We know that “Allah will never change a grace which He has bestowed on a people until they change what is in their ownselves.” (Al-Anaam, 8:53) And He, the Almighty says, “Allah will not change the good condition of a people as long as they do not change their state of goodness themselves (by committing sins and by being ungrateful and disobedient to Allah)." (Ar-Ra'd, 13:11)

The comprehensiveness of fasting allows the servant of Allah to change through making changes to; the time of her sleep, her waking up, her meals; the ways she spends her time with Allah and her family; the arrangement of her priorities and interests; and even her emotions and passions, so the ability to change becomes greater and stronger.

"Allah the Almighty has said: 'O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me, and hope in Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds in the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I shall forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with an earthful of sins and were you then to face Me, without having associated anything with Me, I shall grant you an earthful of pardon' - how great is the mercy of Allah azza wa jjal.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. – Aristotle.

Most of you have you have expressed a will to change certain habits in the month of Ramadan, and how you can inculcate this in your kids. Once we can change our habits, the kids will mirror the new habits, since they are great at copying adults’ behaviour. We are their role models! Get them to list a few habits they want to get rid of and make a family challenge!

It is known that it takes 30 days to change a habit, which sits perfectly with the month of Ramadan. After Ramadan, I will provide you with some tips on how to maintain these habits for the next 11 months, InshAllah. Okay so you have mentioned some key habits such as:

1. Waking up early for fajr
2. Praying on time
3. Reconnecting with Allah azza wa jjal
4. To perform Qiyaam layl/Taraweeh/Tahajjud
5. Memorisation of the Quran
6. Reading the Quran – reflecting and pondering on its meaning
7. Being an excellent Mom
8. Stop yelling at the kids
9. Spend less time on the phone, internet, face book etc.
10. Stop backbiting
11. Spend more time doing fun things with the kids

Ok. Let us start – our CALL to ACTION, how do we make these changes?

The simple steps of habit change ( edited original article from zenhabits) While the tips below will seem overwhelming, there are really only a few things you need to know. Everything else is just helping these to become reality!

1. Write down the habit you want to change, e.g. – missing the Sunnah prayers.

2. Start small – you want to wake up early start by waking up 10-15minutes early than usual.

3. Identify your triggers habits – when, where and what triggers the habit. Make yourself aware of this habit and how frequently you do it.

4. Replacement Habit - Next, focus on how willing and committed you are to making a change and on doing a counter habit. Think into the future – how it would be to not have the negative habit and to replace it with a positive one.

5. Take Action - Then write a specific action that you will do to counter the habit and start the good habit. Be very specific and be regular and consistent so the new habit becomes embedded. Remember – a habit is something that you do regularly! Your new action could be to come to prayer 10minutes early so you can do the Sunnah prayer on time.

6. Focus - on doing the replacement habits every single time the triggers happen, for the next 29 days. Make sincere du’a to Allah to help you in this new transformation process.

7. Small and consistent – Remember the actions and deeds most beloved to Allah, are those simple deeds that are done regularly and consistently
rather than the major ones done irregularly!

Remember Allah loves what is continuous, consistent and small. Alhamdulillah you have taken the first step to making a Habit change, it is not that complicated, all it requires is strong will and conviction.

Our level of Eeman (faith) in this holy month reaches a new height it has never experienced during previous months.

Let me know how you get on.

Click Here to get the HABITATOR so you can start changing that habit NOW! Share your progress with us on our face book page ---- UMMUKA


Friday, 22 July 2011

UMMUKA's Jumuah Delights ! Parenting is Heart work!

Moms! Take heart. There is no such thing as being a perfect Mom; perfection belongs to Allah (SWT). Who do you want to be you? What do you want your children to remember you for?

I know it is not easy to change for the sake of Allah and/or the kids, we must realise that we must work hard to be good Muslims and the best servants of Allah (SWT).

Allah has not provided us we an A-Z guide to parenting, which is true. The same qualities that make a good Muslims are the same ones that make a good Mom. Allah reminds us about the character of the Prophet (SAW) – “Certainly you have in the Messenger of Allah an excellent exemplar for those who hope in Allah and the latter day and remember Allah much” (Al-Ahzab 33:21). Let us be that shining example for our kids.

When dealing with our kids, let us look to deal with their hearts, when we connect with their hearts they flourish and strive to emulate the good character we portray as parents. Ultimately, the primary aim for any Mom is to connect her kids’ hearts to Allah (SWT).

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible - Marion C. Garretty

A client of mine recently shared this story with me.

“Mom”, called out five-year-old Zainab. If you really want Allah to help you, don’t you think you should start wearing your hijab? Probably Allah will answer your prayers; you have always told me if I need to pray I should wear my hijab. So please get me a hijab so I can help you as well by praying to Allah”. Umm Zainab was full of guilt and embarrassment – she felt very bad and did question the type of role model she was to her daughter. In addition, whether she was an exemplar of good behaviour and character to her daughter?

Alhamdulillah! Allah guided her through her daughter to goodness and since that day, Umm Zainab has always worn her full hijab!
The actions we take and the choices we make say a lot to our children. Whether it is a sigh, a roll of the eyes, or a lie we tell on the phone, our children are watching and listening. You know the saying, "Actions speak louder than words". Words mean nothing if they are not backed by actions.

Show your children how you want them to behave. Show and tell your children that you love them unconditionally. Show your children what you want them to value in life. By being their role model, you are communicating your expectations to them. Endeavour to provide them with a set of values and beliefs that will shape their lives when they fly the nest.
My son, who knows my routine by my actions, asked me how much longer I was going to be on my laptop. I told him I was finishing the last e-mail of the day and then I was going to switch the lights off. He said to me, "Okay, I am going to my room after we have said our bedtime du’as together ". In a very subtle, but powerful way, I have communicated to my child that Allah and prayer (Du’a) are very important.

What do you want to communicate to your kids?
Think about what you say, how you say it, when you communicate, the words you do not say, and your behaviours. These are all ways you can send heartfelt and encouraging messages to your children.

Why don’t you make speaking to your child’s heart one of your Ramadan goals – I know you have all been in undated with e-mails and text messages on how to make this your BEST Ramadan ever! – this is now the time to start being that role model for your kid, I can just imaging how powerful that would be for you and your kids as you work as a team walking your way to Jannah Firdaws.

So let us begin by cleansing our hearts of those black dots, so we can receive the month of Ramadan with a clear mind and a purified heart.

I pray we all walk through the gate of Rayaan – the gate designated for those who fast. Ever since I have told my kids about this gate, they have always visualised themselves walking it through it with their grandma (my mom) because her name is Rayaan. May Allah bless them they always strive hard to complete their fasts with the hope of walking through the gates of Rayaan 

Allah tells us in the Qur’an - For each one is successive [angels] before and behind him who protect him by the decree of Allah. Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any patron. (Ra’d 13:11), a great reminder for us all!

Moms! We need to carve out a foundation for our children, with less than 10 days to Ramadan, why don’t you make a commitment today – to be an excellent mom.
What three traits do you want to realise more as a parent? Identify them and build them into your character today, there is no time like the present!

Share your traits with us on our face book page www.facebook/ummuka.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Moms! Prepping for Ramadan.

The month of Shaban will be with us tomorrow. Our mother Aisha (RA) tells us that this is the month the Prophet SAW fasted the most, except Ramadan. This is the month we should start all our prepping for Ramadan, defining our goals for family and ourselves for the year ahead. I make my goals for the year in Ramadan; lots of you have asked the reason why. Its simple I know that in the last ten nights there is the night of laylatul Qadar, I have a MASSIVE du’a list and during the last ten days I keep asking Allah. Knowing I have caught every night gives me satisfaction that by the will of Allah I got the special night and all my dua’s will be answered in this world or the hereafter. With that in mind, I am well set for the year ahead knowing I have asked guidance from Allah.

Usamah ibn Zayd said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, I do not see you fasting in any month more than in Shaban He Prophet (SAW) replied ‘That is a month concerning which many people are heedless, between Rajab and Ramadan. It is the month in which people’s deeds are taken up to Allah, and I would like my deeds to be taken up whilst I am fasting.’ [Al-Nasa’i]
It is important for us to understand the virtues of fasting knowing it is for the sake of Allah alone, the Prophet(SAW) said: “Whoever fasts one day for the sake of Allah, Allah will keep his face seventy years’ distance from Hell,” [al-Nasa’i]
If you want to be productive this Ramadan, revive the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) by fasting this month of Shaban. Due to the long summer days and the little sleep we will be getting, it is very crucial we get our bodies prepared to receive the special guest of Ramadan and not wait to the last minute otherwise we will be unproductive and lethargic in the first few days of Ramadan. The Prophet SAW made the following dua in the month of Rajab for Ramadan – beautiful!

“Oh, Allah bless us in the month of Rajab and bless us in the month of Shaban and let us meet and spend the month of Ramadan in a deserving manner”. This demonstrates the passion of the Prophet (SAW) and the sahabah for Ramadan.
The sahabah spent six months preparing for Ramadan in advance. We should emulate this beautiful method by emulating the Prophetic way of preparing the month before Ramadan knocks on our doors.

We can get the children to start fasting half days and keep extending the time until they make a full day. Get them excited as well by filling the home with a Ramadan atmosphere! We need to make lots of du’a to Allah to make it easy for them.
Now let us look at some other ways we can start preparing for Ramadan.

PrEpPing for Ramadan
Set up a schedule – spend the month of Shaban preparing for a productive Ramadan. What get’s set gets measured; following a schedule will give us the opportunity to know where we are and what more of we need to do to reach our ultimate goal. So Begin with the end in mind: Where do you want to be after Ramadan? This is a pertinent point to bear in mind when setting your goals for the month of Ramadan. A goal could be; to keep praying the 12 rakaahs of Sunnah after the Fard salah without fail and to be in a state of wudu at all times.

Nine Things you can do NOW!
Bonding with the Quran – plan to read a page of the Quran after Fajr and Asr; aim to recite from the Qur’an even if it is just one page. Then start extending the number of pages as you make this a regular habit. Read after Fajr and Asr; do not let anyone disturb you it is a time for you and Allah. The angels change shift between Fajr and Asr, those who saw you reading the Quran would let Allah know.

Listen to the recitation of the Quran
in the mornings, to develop the love and active relationship with the Quran. Choose a favourite reciter (Qari) it greatly helps create that special bond between you and the Qur’an.

Read books on Seerah (The life of the Prophet) and Tafsir (Explanation of the Qur’an) – Select certain topics to study for the month and carry on when Ramadan arrives. This is something you can do with the kids too!

Punctuality in Salah
– We know that the difference between a believer and a non-believer is the Salah. Start now and make that conviction to Allah that you will always pray on time, encouraging kids and other family members.
Mansions in paradise - The Prophet SAW tells us that if we pray the 12-nawafil prayers: two at Fajr, two before and after Dhur, two before Asr and two after Maghrib and Isha. Allah builds a mansion in Jannah for that individual. What a beautiful reward.

- Give Sadaqah daily, even if it is a smile. Plan a project for you and the kids to work on – this year we will sponsor a needy widow and her children.

Dhkir (remembering Allah) –Plan certain dua’s (prayers) you can do throughout the day, such as
SubuhanAllah, Alhamdulillah, Allah Akbar, laa ilaaha illaa – moisten the tongue with the remembrance of Allah an act like this keeps us away from vain talk.
Be in a state of wudu – it attracts Rizq (sustenance) from Allah. Strive to be in a state of wudu at all times.

Early to bed Early to rise
- Prophet Muhammad SAW retried to bed after praying Isha. In order to wake up for qiyaam ul layl and Fajr. The old adage early to bed early to rise still stands. If we start getting in the habit of going to bed after Isha, we will be in a strong position come Ramadan.

Revive the Sunnah fasts
– starts fasting on Mondays and Thursdays – this is a weekly Sunnah of the Prophet SAW.

Switch off the TV and switch on to ALLAH – in the build up to Ramadan switch off from current events for a while, the world will continue when we are gone. Allah will ask what you and I did with our time and not what' is going on in the world.
Disconnect from watching TV and the bollywood and nollywood movies, internet sites, newspapers, favourite magazines etc – replace them with the remembrance and Dhkir of Allah, also forming a special bond with the Quran. We know that “certainly in the remembrance of Allah the soul finds peace”

Finally, we will not be able to grab hold of the blessings of Ramadan if we do not prepare to receive this elusive noble guest; Ramadan gives us the opportunity to save ourselves and family from the hell fire. If we cannot not secure our place in Jannah during the month of Ramadan, then when and where will we?
May Allah help us prepare for the month of Ramadan and most importantly witness it as many people have passed on since the last one? The ultimate goal of Ramadan is to achieve piety and righteousness. Let us not let this excellent opportunity slip us by.

To organise your Ramadan and give it a boost here are some useful tools just click on the links, to start planning the best Ramadan ever.

Ramadan Booster App for iphones

iLoveAllaah Ramadan Tips

Ramadan Resources for Children

SoundVision Ramadan for kids

Khafayah Abdulsalam

Mommy Coach

Face book:

Friday, 17 June 2011

Moms! Jumuah Delights! Parent Taming

Invite all to the way of your Lord and with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are the best and most gracious: for your Lord knows best, we have from his path and who received the guidance ~ (Q16:25)

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love. ~Mildred B.

The Prophet SAW also says, “The best of you will never use force as a means of taribiyyah (nuturing)”.

When kids finally push us over the edge with the same behaviour we have been tolerating for days on end. Out of frustration, we begin to shout, yell and even label the kids with names, such, as “you are a very bad kid”, “you are lazy”. Some parents go as far as labelling the child, with words like, you are a disgrace, liar and very bad. This will only teach the child to continue in this manner if this is the only way he/she can get your attention. Therefore, discipline does not just mean using force; it means using certain disciplinary measures, e.g., no visits to the park, or visiting friends, or riding bikes.

Children should feel that even though they have to suffer the consequences of their actions, we must act with gentleness and mercy. A kid would know without being told, that Mommy loves them and is their friend. Discipline should never be viewed by kids as an act of revenge or hatred.

We know that discipline and self-restraint are main characteristics of the Muslim. We learn this through fasting and refraining from things Allah has told us to stay away from, eating pork for instance. Set clear and positive messages, make sure your boundaries and corresponding consequences are very clear. Identify what you want your child to do instead of what you do not what them to do, the Prophet SAW, never said a harsh word to Ibn Abbas throughout the time he spent with him. Therefore, the prophet taught and practiced positive parenting.

For example, the consequence of not coming to the dinner table when food is served, will be to eat it has it is!

When you are writing up boundaries, be clear, specific and remain positive
a. Don’t write –
i. I want to stop Jasmine from waking late for Fajr
ii. I want to stop my mom from giving Faris too many sweets
iii. I want Kulthum to memorise a portion of the Quran daily

b. Write
i. I want to help Jasmine wake up for the Fajr prayer
ii. I want Faris to start eating more fruit and vegetables
iii. I will arrange for Kulthum to stay awake after Fajr and memorise the Quran for 30 minutes

Keeping to your boundaries is where the challenge lies, it is important to stand your ground, when you catch them doing something good – praise them. Always be consistent! In addition, stick to your promise; otherwise, you will not be trusted! Learn to negotiate, children are the best negotiators I have come across – so be sensible! As you are leading by example, you will be teaching your little gems these skills too! Boundaries show that you care about your child and what they are doing, it also helps them know where they stand and helps to feel secure and valued. Great skills for their future development.

With routines – children are learning to be self-independent and consist. We need to teach them to learn to wait, help and be patient. Hence, we will be developing solid tolerance levels for patience in our kids.

Parenting is all about parents, we have to learn to refrain and control our anger. Remember kids will emulate what they see and not what they have been told.

Our call to action today, before we can start with the kids – we need to sort ourselves out first!

Identify a “parent tantrum” you throw when you are very upset. For example, you pay negative attention to children, which usually involves “telling off” “or yelling”.
Start identifying positive ways to change this “parent tantrum” , commit to acting our age. You will not be able to change their behaviour by yelling and shouting.

If you keep calm and collected, you will start to notice a change in your kid’s behaviour. It is usually a long process, but if you are consistent and disciplined – you will start seeing results sooner.

Let us know how you get on, by visiting our fan book page. Please SHARE article and LIKE our fan page.

A very useful resource on discipline is Effective discipline for Muslim Parents by Grandma Jeddah at

Khafayah Abdulsalam

Mommy Coach

Face book:

Friday, 10 June 2011

UMMUKA's Jumuah Delights! Raising Productive Kids!

"I served the Prophet (Sallalhu 'alayhi wasallam) for ten
Years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word
Denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did
You do so or why didn't you do so?"

Moms! How many of us can put hand to heart and say we have never blamed our kids or shouted at them? Hmmm! – a tough challenge, everything is possible, if we keep at it working hard and calling on Allah SWT for guidance. Narrated by Anas (when mentioning his childhood)

Moms! Children are an amanah (trust) given to us by Allah and it is Fard (obligatory) upon us to raise our children in a righteous manner, raising them according to the principles and etiquettes of Islam.

Moms it’s very important to take some time out to ponder and reflect on the part you are playing or have played in your children’s’ journey of life. Do your children know their relationship with their creator? Remember! The angels, and when your children are presented with their book on that day will record all that them in life do. The day of accountability – the contents will be based on your work! Therefore, I ask what you are doing to ensure that your children’s book will reflect the correct Islamic cultivation and upbringing.

What advice will you be giving to your children on your deathbed? How confident will you be when reporting back to Allah – that you will be able to say, ”Allah I raised my children with Ihsan(excellence) to the best of my ability in accordance and obedience of YOUR laws”. – What a wonderful feeling this will be? Knowing that the journey begins and ends with Allah. How do we perform this most important role on earth?

Our children have rights over us as we do them; it is the parents’ obligation to shelter, feed, clothe, educate, support, nurture, and love them. It was narrated from “ Abd –Allah that the Prophet of Allah said: “Each of you is a Sheppard and is responsible for his flock” – The mom is the Sheppard of the home and children and is responsible for them.

Also, Luqman(AS) – advising his son said “o my son! Join not in worship others with Allah. Verily, joining others in worship with Allah is a great Zulum (wrong) indeed (Q31:13). I suppose the point I am making here is that how many us talk to our children in this manner, by embedding the Tawhid (oneness of Allah) in their hearts from a tender age.

In order to cultivate our children islamically and give them the correct tarribiyyah (Islamic nurturing), it is crucial as moms to understand the current environment, society and cultures that envelope our little gems. When we have a full understanding of how the society we live in operates and control our children, only then can we begin to adapt techniques to create confident remarkable kids.
Anas RA lived with the prophet SAW and not once did the Prophet SAW scold him or tell him off! – reflect on this for a moment. This clearly demonstrates that the Prophet Saw practised positive parenting and did not focus on negative behaviour. This resulted in a well-grounded confident individual, who has grown up on values – respect, self-esteem, discipline and morals.
Behind every successful person is a great woman and we doing not need to search far for evidence.

Our great mother Khadijah RA, gave the prophet full support and was instrumental to his success, she was a wife, friend, comforter, a woman of substance, –she encompassed everything a man could need in a woman. Our great Imams Bukhari and Malik were strongly encouraged by their mothers, and as a result became great men leaving behind an ever-lasting legacy.

Anas did not end up with the Prophet SAW by accident, his mother offered him in servitude to the Prophet SAW know the greater benefits in this world and the hereafter – knowing this what type of mother are you and are going to be for our children?, knowing yourself worth and accepting this role and responsibility Allah has given you. How will you perform this role with Ihsan (excellence) without losing sight of your final destination – Jannah!
How do we bring about and develop Islamic personality in our children? As moms, we need to realise that this role starts from the moment the child is conceived – I see this as the beginning of the bonding period. You are preparing yourself for the great arrival!

The bonding between mother and baby begins during pregnancy a relationship that is retained and maintained and nurtured after birth until the rest of the child’s life.
The first stage is to provide the child with the basic human needs – food, love, warm, a sense of security and belonging; shelter and full attention. All of this is crucial for the development of the child in the latter stages of their life. The child who feels loved, nurtured and respected – becomes more receptive to others and will be able to reciprocate in the same manner. As they flourish and grow, they will learn new skills such as – responsibility, patience, and self-control, respect, communicating and sharing. There is one thing that never changes from infancy to childhood – the need for affection and love. How do we embed these qualities in our children? The starting point will be to nurture a positive relationship with them, through communication and building rapport with them. We have to realise that communication and active listening are fundamental to the development of our relationship with our children, - a channel that has to be open for life.
Allah has appointed you as a Sheppard over your flock… you are your child’s role model and umbilical cord to Allah.

They will more than likely mirror the values, beliefs and standards of those who surround them, what kind of a life are you leading? What type of family environment are you creating – is it one based on the principles of Islam morals and etiquettes’? If not, I am afraid you will be heading down the wrong road. It’s never too late to get back onto the straight path; today start being that Mom you want like to your children to see – I like my children to see a strong firm well balanced woman that upholds and obeys the laws of Allah SWT, and emulating and acting upon the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW – constantly striving for Jannah.

I ask are you a visionary parent?
If you are what vision, do you have for yourself and your children? Let us take Action NOW!


what would you like your children to see on you?

What would you like to contribute to their lives?

How would you like to influence their lives?

Our primary goal and basic purpose is to develop the consciousness, love, fear and hope of Allah in our children (Taqwa).

As my children were growing up, I tried to figure out ways of creating the fear of Allah in them. One thing that worked well , was sharing a name of Allah and its attributes- this worked wonders for me. I choose the Ar ROQIB (the watchful) – if children can understand that the Ar Roqib sees them, hears them and is watchful of all they do, this will be a fantastic achievement. Now that they are grown up and have a better understanding of issues and Allah’s laws – they have come to a realisation that it is best to tell the truth, be kind and loving to others and always striving to the do right things because Allah is watching.

Also in Surah Fajr Allah tells us “For your Lord is watchful” (Q89:14). May Allah bless and reward all moms with the highest station in Jannah! –Ameen.

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Khafayah Abdulsalam


Friday, 6 May 2011

Moms! Jumuah Delights ! Ten Essential Discipline Tips for Moms!

The key to discipline is to set boundary and limits. Children will always push limits and will keep testing you. There are so many books out there telling us how to discipline our children. If you are like me, I ended up very confused, trying to figure out the best methods and techniques to use. Then I had a thought, when children are born they are not born with an instruction manual. The only way is to follow the principles of the Qur’an and hadith, then we are well on our way to positive discipline. No one knows your child better than you do, you will have to think of solutions to use that will work best for you. So many parents confuse discipline with punishment; UMMUKA’s mission is to show moms that managing their kids’ behaviour and character need not be a negative painful experience.
Discipline is a way of teaching your child self-control/esteem and responsibility, instead of a way of controlling or punishing them.

Moms, the following tips are only a guide. Since I do not know your particular situation, not all these tips might be suitable for you. Use the tips that work for you and your kids. If you come up with better solutions that work for you and your children. Let me know on my page at

The tips below will help you:
• Increase respect and decrease yelling/screaming
• Discipline less and enjoy children more
• Avoid guilt and be a calm, confident mom

The tips below will help your child:
• Become respectful and helpful
• Build a sense of self- control and confidence
• Love and listen to you

Ali (RA) told us not to bring up our children the same way and manner we were. They are growing up in a different environment, culture and speak a different language. What you have to remember is that you owe it to your child to raise him to be a responsible adult – and teaching him how to behave is a big part of that. How do you do it?

If we look into the Sunnah, we see the two elements the prophet SAW used to teach children good manners.
1. Through encouragement and praise
2. Attaching their hearts to the hereafter

What you have to remember is that you owe it to your child to raise him to be a responsible adult – and teaching him how to behave is a big part of that. How do you do it?

It’s been my experience that mothers’ with good discipline skills raise happy confident children in solid homes. It’s win-win all the way!

Ten Essentials on how to Discipline your Kids!

The word discipline means to teach and not to punish, sadly parents confuse the two terms giving discipline a negative connotation. Discipline teaches children how to behave sensibly and responsibly. It is a mistaken belief that the only way to discipline children is to punish them.

Three essential key elements to parenting are:
• Be consistent
• Be firm
• Be kind

1. Discipline wisely. “When disciplining, don’t talk, act!” —Nick Wiltz,
Imagine telling your child he has 5 minutes to brush his teeth and get to bed. 10 minutes later, you call out, “Are you in bed yet?” Your child answers from the bathroom, “Almost!” 10 minutes later, you call out again, “Are you in bed yet?” Again, your child answers, “Almost!” 10 minutes later you call out, “Are you in bed yet?” For the third time his answer is, “Almost!” You start yelling, “If you don’t get in bed right now, I’ll come in there and spank you.” Within a flash, your child is in bed. What just happened? Like Nick said, “Don’t talk, act!” Your child knows you won’t act until you’ve nagged 3 times. You follow through immediately when you want your child to do something, saying once and tell them the corresponding consequence.

2. Boundaries and limits. Successful discipline equals connection and not perfection. Setting boundaries is an essential part of discipline, and kids love them. Yes, hard to believe? Even as adults, we feel much happier with boundaries in our lives. They will push you, no matter how hard it is stand your ground without getting angry.

3. Avoid getting emotional. Stay in control and act with logic. Then, your words will start earning respect. For instance, when my kids start a car fight, I use to yell, threaten and scream out of anger. Then I learnt one thing, I tell them I will pull the car over and we will continue our journey when they stop. When they realise you mean it they will stop. It will take a few attempts but it works as long as you remain consistent and firm. . You will be showing your kids that you mean what you say and you say what you mean.

4. Consistently keep to your consequences. One key to positive discipline is to follow through with consequences for misbehaviour. One of the best ways to deter your child from acting up is to show her you mean business when it comes to consequences – if she thinks you’re a soft touch or pushover she won’t have any incentive to stick to the boundaries you set.

5. Do no label your child. Separate the child from the act let the child know that you are not upset with them but with the bad behaviour. Only use punishment for serious misbehaviour. Otherwise, it could lead to fear and the child becoming rebellious. It’s crucial that your child knows that you still love them no matter what; now mommy is just not happy with their behaviour.

6. Teach your child to ask for forgiveness. Look at how Allah deals with his servants, if we make sincere repentance Allah not only forgives the sin but also erases it completely from or record. When your child apologises for misbehaving do accept their apology and put matters to rest. Teach your child to turn to Allah in forgiveness. Making them understand that Allah is charge, and has appointed you to look after in this world. Always give your child the benefit of doubt, by making excuses for them.

7. Make routines consistent and constant
Set regular times for Qur’an reading, house chores, meals, bath times, homework and bedtime. If your child knows these routines are set in stone that things are to be done at a particular time, she is less likely to act up when you tell her to do it.

8. Create boundaries that work. Be reasonable when it comes to boundaries. Involve your child in setting the boundaries – they will be more than likely to keep to them. Make sure your boundaries are appropriate for his/her age and accept that you might need to be more flexible as he/she gets older and needs more independence.

9. 10. Turn your dont's to dos. Reframe your discipline vocabulary. For example, instead of saying, “Bilaal stop jumping on the sofa”, say, “It does will be a good idea if you sat on the sofa, Bilaal”. In this way, you’re telling your child what to do instead of constantly telling him what not to do. Moms focus on what you want your child to do and not on things you do not want them to do.

10. Reward and Praise. Reward, awards or any form of recognition coupled with praise is a very powerful way of promoting good behaviour and character. We see this recurring theme in the Qur’an. Allah describes the rewards of Jannah and praises those who do well in this world. Rewards such as, stickers, walks to the park and a chance to cook with mom in the kitchen etc. are great incentives.

Also, reminding them about the greater reward, they will get from Allah SWT. It’s important to constantly attach their hearts to Allah. Do not praise too much, its best to praise them for a specific thing they have done. For example, “May Allah rewards you for helping mommy with the dishes this evening”.

The more we practise the principles of the Quran and Sunnah we will be raising happy productive Muslim kids. Parenting is not all about discipline, we need to give our children room and their space to be and explore the wonders of everyday life.
Let’s face it we were not exactly angels when we were growing up, were we ?